Relationship Reality Check

Every now and then your primary relationship (wi…th your spouse, partner, lover) needs a reality check to make sure you are both on the same page and in touch with each others relationship

I’ve been reading many articles lately about men and women whose spouses/partners have left them unexpectedly leaving them both surprised and devastated.

Most of them had no inkling that the relationship was anything but good. They saw no signs of trouble, unusual behavior, or what was to come crashing down on them.

How does this happen?

Unfortunately it does happen, and it happens to couples that allow themselves to fall into an unconscious routine.

They begin to take each other for granted, lose connection with each other’s thoughts and feelings and generally forget to do the small, considerate things they used to do in the past. It happens more often than anyone would care to admit.

Before the situation deteriorates to the point of no return, there are some things you can do to make sure you and your partner are in sync and working together.

Tips For Maintaining A Good Relationship: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

1- Respect each other. Try to understand each other’s feelings and points of view. Don’t try to change one another now that you’re in the relationships. You were initially attracted to each other for a reason. Remember what it was and continue to appreciate it.

2- Communicate. Never underestimate the importance of good communication. If something is going on inside of you, share it. Don’t keep your feelings, good or bad, to yourself. If you have a problem let your partner in on it. Work on a solution together. It will create intimacy and bring you closer together. When something good happens to you at work or you’ve achieved a goal, share that as well. All sharing and exchanging of information brings people closer to each other. Practice communicating with each other.

3- Do the little things. Be considerate and thoughtful. If you’re getting yourself a coffee, apple or snack from the kitchen ask your partner if he/she wants one too. When your spouse is tired and sore give him/her a back rub or massage. Be aware of each others needs.

4-  Don’t get caught up in the rat race. People get too wrapped up in getting ahead and the mechanics of everyday living. They rush around doing, getting, and not taking time to live in the moment. By not paying attention to each other you can become disconnected with yourself and your partner.

5-  Maintain a Sense of Humor. Laugh together. Don’t take things too seriously. Barring a tragedy, nothing is so serious that you can’t step back and look at the humorous side. Laughter is contagious and creates intimacy.

6-  Take care of and respect yourself. As mentioned in Love Yourself in order function fully, strive for balance. If you don’t take care of yourself, everything around you will fall apart including your relationship.

7-  Have a Life. Everyone needs a life of his/her own. If you don’t have one, you not only tend to invade someone else’s space, you probably become too dependent and therefore less interesting. One of the most important things you can bring to a relationship is your unique set of qualities and a different perspective. Contrary to what you may think, maintaining your individuality and having a life of your own strengthens a relationship and keeps it fresh and interesting.

So before things start sliding or become stagnant in your relationship, start developing some good maintenance habits. Communicate, laugh, be independent, take care of yourself and your relationship will not only survive, it will flourish.

Ending A Narcissistic Relationship – Difficult But Necessary

When a normal relationship comes to an end it is one of the hardest things we  have to do.  But ending a narcissistic  relationship is twice as hard and can even be downright nasty. If you are  the one ending the relationship then it’s a sure sign you are healthier than you  think.  Now you just have to find a way to stay strong.

verbal-abuseYou might be ending the relationship over things that don’t seem important  but deep down you know they are insurmountable. The fact is, in a narcissistic  relationship, you are not getting your  love returned.

If you are dumped by a narcissist it will probably be quick and heartless.  You will be left on your own to  sort out what went wrong, just like in any breakup, but in this type of relationship it will be even  more confusing.  The narcissist will probably already have someone else  lined up before they leave you. In fact narcissists are sometimes serial  cheaters and they don’t have any remorse whatsoever.   If this is the  case then you should feel good about the breakup.  If you get away from  this person you will no longer be subjected to

Your decision is a little harder if you are trying to end this destructive  relationship over something that might seem small to others.  You can end  up doubting your decision, especially during the initial stages of the breakup  when you are lonely and thinking you would rather be with this person than be  alone no matter what the problems are.  You begin to believe the  manipulation you have been subjected to in the narcissistic relationship.

You think if you just try harder you can make him/her love you.    You must get this out of your mind.  The narcissist is incapable of loving  anyone but themselves.

It is important not only to stay strong when you are ending a narcissistic  relationship.  It is also important to get advice from someone who has been  there or seek out professional counseling.   This is a hard  relationship to recover from because the narcissist has very skillfully  brainwashed you into thinking everything is your fault.  They have their  hooks in you and it is hard to break free.

You need to stay focused on why you are breaking up.  You no longer want  to be put down or subjected to rages or made to feel you are unworthy of this  person.   You want a mutually loving relationship.   And  even though you have been conned into thinking you don’t – you DO deserve a healthy relationship.

The fact is that even if your partner has not cheated you have been abused in  a very subtle way.  The narcissist has controlled you and lowered your  self-esteem.  You may not even be aware of this right now but in time you  will start to heal and realize what a bad situation you have been involved  in.

You are probably ending this relationship either because your partner cheated  on you, physically or verbally abused you or was just never there for  you.   Any of those reasons are good reasons to end this  relationship.

Stay strong by remembering when you needed your partner’s emotional support  and he/she just didn’t care.  You’ve probably tried talking with your  partner many times about how you felt and he/she still didn’t care.  That  will never change.  Your desire for a partner who will have empathy for you  is what will keep you strong.  And, the narcissist is not capable of  feeling anything for you.

This might be the hardest thing to understand.  The narcissist cannot  meet your needs for reciprocal love.  Period.  Focus your energies on  someone who is deserving of your love.

Rene  Carlton –    About the Author:

Click the link for more information on the narcissistic  relationship

Forgiveness is best.

Forgiveness (song)
Image via Wikipedia

Forgiveness is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Why hold on to extra emotional baggage that affects you to the negative. Release those who have hurt you in any way, take a breath and verbally say you forgive them. In time your emotions will match what you are speaking. Have a great day!

To get what you want, give people what they want!

Many people upon learning the law of attraction, get excited and start putting additional effort in giving to others, in the hope that in giving to others, they will get back what they want from them. Some of these people get disappointed that in spite of giving their 100%…, they are not getting from the universe what they want, and wonder why. Some quickly jump into the conclusion that law of attraction does not work. The fact is that spiritual laws always work, however it is important that knowledge is applied correctly. Knowledge put to action in the wrong way, or in the wrong context does not work.

In order to get what we want from others, it is important that we give others what they want, not what we think they need, and not what we want to give. A farmer owns a dog and a cow. If he feeds grass to the dog and dog-food to the cow, both animals will be unhappy and hungry, despite the effort put forth by the farmer.  Although this may sound funny, simple, and obvious, this is exactly what we tend to do, as in various complex situations, we may not really know what they other person wants, and thus make wrong assumptions about it and put forth unwanted effort in the wrong place.

Practical examples of not giving people what they want:

Example 1)
There are two sets of emotional needs in romantic relationships:
Set 1:
Caring, Understanding, Respect, Devotion, Validation and Reassurance.

Set 2:
Trust, Acceptance, Appreciation, Admiration, Approval and Encouragement.

All of the above emotional needs are forms of love. Yet, just calling all of them love is oversimplification of our emotional needs. Although every one has the need for all these forms of love, research has shown that most women primarily need to receive the kinds of love listed under “Set 1” from their partners, before they can appreciate the kind of love under “Set 2”. In contrast to that, most men primarily need to receive the love under “Set 2” before they can appreciate the kind of love listed under “Set 1”. Unknowingly however, both men and women tend to give to their partners what they would personally need, instead of giving what their partners need. This is why many people think they are giving a lot to the relationship. Yet, both partners remain unfulfilled, as they are not giving what their partners want.

Example 2)
Say you are an employer and want to hire the brightest candidate for the job. You interview 30 candidates and then select the one candidate who met your criteria the best. Excited upon finding such a brilliant candidate, you offer him salary and benefits that are higher than you originally budgeted for. Yet, what the candidate really wants is not to work in the corporate world long term, but instead start his own business  soon. In spite of you giving your 100% as an employer, you cannot fulfill the candidates needs. No matter what you do from your end, since the other person is motivated by contrary desires, what you give is not of value to him. You would have been better of to offer the job to another candidate, who although may not be academically perfect as the first candidate, actually wants a long term career in the corporate world and not start his own business soon.

Example 3)
You are hired as a software tester. Instead of working as a tester, you put rigorous effort as a software programmer, as you are not really interested in testing. Indeed, you may be working very hard, but not towards the reason you were hired, and thus your employer is not likely to be satisfied.

Example 4)
You prepare a beautiful three course non-vegetarian meal, putting lot of effort. It is the most wonderful tasting meal. Only problem – the guests that came to dinner are all vegetarians. Despite all your effort,  the guests could not appreciate the value of the work you put into making the delicious meal.

Thus, in order to get what you want, it is very important to know what the other person needs, and give that. A person gets fulfilled only upon getting what he wants, and not upon receiving something else. Only in fulfilling other’s needs is it likely that they will work towards fulfilling our needs. It is important to realize that in some cases, the other person may not really want anything that we have to offer, or we may not want to give what they need. In this case, it is better to find other people who will be very fulfilled by what we have to offer, so that they in turn can fulfill us.

Why do people label other people ?

Why do people label other people especially if they don’t know them to begin with ?

Well first off everyone knows the saying  ” It doesn’t matter what a person looks like on the outside  its what’s on the inside that counts” everyone should know and understand this by the age of 9 years

Most of all its because they are ignorant. They wont open their mind to anything that is different’.

They just don’t understand that EVERYONE “IS” DIFFERENT  Its because they choose to stay on the lower levels  and don’t want to know or understand anyone, or accept anyone for who they are sometimes not even themselves.

Unfortunately for those that don’t care about anyone but themselves It makes it easier for them to deal with you, and ultimately, dismiss you, because they don’t have anything better to do than sit around and judge people,  pick faults and just pick on people in general anyway. We have to realize they are probably going through the same thing through self torture and loss.

Its because they want to feel better about themselves because most people have little confidence so they make people feel lower than them by giving them a bad name, Some people try to put people in the same group as themselves only, Some people are just copy cats and just follow the crowd knowing that its wrong  ..  But guess what people get older and wiser and learn the truth… what goes around comes around” Kama”.

And finally some people don’t want to be different so they’re scared they take a back seat  and label everyone they know anyway so that they remain alone with just the little bits they have they simply “think” that they want to be alone  but no one is here to be alone, there is some one for everyone no matter what they look like or what type of person they are  they just have to realise this as When one door closes, another one opens but sometimes we have to be the ones willing to initiate opening new doors in our lives and be willing to take the chance to walk through them also, or else we will never discover what better opportunities await us out there .

Labelling people is not the way forward by doing so you create pain for them and loss for you that person could have become someone very special in your life … maybe even a soul mate? Imagine all the people we may lose just by giving them the wrong label or by following the crowd.

Written by Joanne Wellington

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.