Why do I have a hard time Letting Go and What To Do About It

WHY DO I HAVE A HARD TIME LETTING GO AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

WHY DO I HAVE A HARD TIME LETTING GO AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

We’ve all been blessed with heart-breaking situations where people have wronged us or things haven’t gone the way we would like.  Moving past them is difficult.

If you’ve ended a relationship, job or time in your life, it’s tough to let go and move on.  Your subconscious, or monkey mind, wants to hold onto it like a dog that won’t let go of a bone.  It wants to chew on it, gnaw and dig into the painful center of it.

Your logical mind gets sucked up into the drama of the monkey.  You start to think of “what if’s” and “if only’s” that your monkey mind creates to add even more drama and negative feelings.

It would be so much easier to just let go and move on with your life, but the monkey won’t let you.

You try to let go.  You move onto the next relationship or job.  Just when things seem to be going well again, the old thoughts start to arise again, sabotaging things.

Why is it so hard to let go?  Why is it so difficult to forgive and forget?

The Need to Be Right

Because you’ve been wronged and your monkey needs to prove itself right.  Safety is the monkey mind’s number one priority, and being wrong is not safe.

The monkey will go out of its way to dream up all the reasons that you were right and the other person or aspects of the situation were wrong.  It won’t let go of the need to be right.

But there you are, stuck in the middle with your monkey screeching in one ear and your wiser self whispering in the other, urging you to move on.

Letting go can be hard because it means letting go of aspects of your past – aspects of you.  It also means letting go of your expectations of how things should have been.

Letting go hints of being wrong or allowing someone else to be right (when you know that what they did was wrong).

Unfortunately, it’s all in the past and there’s nothing you can do about it.  The drama, the holding on, is in your own mind.

You are the only one with the power to let it go.

Rather than possibly admitting defeat and letting go, what if there were another way?  A more mindful way that has nothing to do with right and wrong. What if, instead of letting go, you simply let things be.

Allow them to be as they are.

Let It Be

The only meaning that anything has is the meaning you give it.

If you were wronged, it’s because you told yourself that you were, and then you make up a story about that.

One of the core tenets of mindfulness is to observe without judgment.

Making people or things right or wrong involves passing judgment on them.

Could you look at the situation differently or more objectively?  Could you create a different story about it?  What lessons could you then glean from the whole mess?  How could it help you?

Tapping can help you to safely face your painful past and remove the emotional sting.

There’s a saying that the only way past fear is through it.  All negative emotions are based in fear.  An inability to let go is based in fear.  If you weren’t afraid of letting go, you would have done it already.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. ~Thich Nhat Hanh”

Letting Go course

Simple Steps

Depending on the level of severity of the situation you’re dealing with, you may be able to work through the emotions on your own.  Here’s a process you can work through to loosen the grip of the “letting go” situation:

  1. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Give yourself at least 30 minutes (an hour would be better) as you won’t want to break the flow of the process.
  2. Sit in a relaxed position in a chair or on the floor.
  3. Close your eyes and take ten deep breaths to calm and centre yourself. Focus on the process of your breathing.  Don’t force it to be anything.  Just allow your body to breathe however it needs to.
  4. When you feel calm, think about the thing you want to let go of, the thing you want to release. Feel the feelings that come up.  Don’t hold anything back.
  5. Focus on the strongest feeling. Exactly where do you feel it in your body?  All emotions create homes in our bodies which create physical sensations (pain, heat, cold, numbness, tightness, etc.).
  6. Focus on the feeling in your body. Take time to understand exactly where it is and what the sensations are.  Don’t try to make them go away as this will only cause them to persist.  Objectively observe the sensation.  Describe it in as much detail as possible. As you do this, the sensation may change and evolve.  Stay with it.
  7. Once you’re clear on what and where the sensation is, ask it what message it’s trying to deliver. These types of messages come from your True Self and are there to help you grow and heal.  The message may or may not be words.  It may be colours, feelings, smells or any number of things.  Be open to whatever arises.  It may or may not be something that makes sense to you.  Don’t judge it as good, bad, right, wrong, crazy or anything else.  Simply be with it and allow the messages to come forward.
  8. When you feel that you’ve received as much of the message as you can, take ten deep breaths, focusing on the process and sensations of breathing.
  9. At this point, you can either sit with your experience or move to a different sensation in your body and repeat the last three steps.
  10. Open your eyes and start writing whatever comes up for you in a journal or notebook. Pen and paper work best for this process (no electronics).  Keep writing for as long as you can without judging any of it.  Neither you nor anything you write is wrong, crazy, stupid or any other negative judgment.  Equally, neither you nor anything you write is right, brilliant or awesome.  It simply is.
  11. In your journal, answer these questions: How can what I just experienced help me to move forward in my life?  Can I see the difficult experience differently?  Can I see myself differently?  What can I do to minimize the emotional toll of similar experiences in the future and let them go as they occur?  What would be a more supportive story I can tell myself about the situation?
  12. Repeat this process on a weekly basis until you feel that you can truly let go and move forward. I suggest weekly in order to give your subconscious time to work through what comes up in each session.  You may have a revelation three days after a session that didn’t occur to you while you were originally journaling.

This process is like peeling an onion.  Each session can bring you a little closer to your True Self and a better understanding of more supportive ways of handling future situations.

As new thoughts, feelings and emotions arise between sessions, write about them in your journal.  During your journaling sessions, write until you feel that there’s nothing left to write about.  Dig deep.

So often, it’s difficult to move past a feeling about a situation because you repeat a surface-level loop of thoughts and stories about it without moving any deeper.  Journaling is a powerful tool that allows you to delve deeper and release what your monkey mind keeps pent up by its constant chatter.

Feeling the difficult feelings of something you want to let go of, examining how they manifest in your body and journaling about it all is a process of moving through and past your fears and creating a more empowered life.

The past is what it is and can’t be changed.  You have the ability to create more empowering stories about it.  Everyone lives in their own reality based on the stories they tell themselves about who and how they are.

It’s up to you to re-write your story.

What do you want to let go of?  What patterns would you rather not repeat?  What new narrative can you apply to the past to support your True Self?

To forgive takes strength to set aside what is often justifiable anger.

To forgive really is divine. It takes strength to set aside what is often justifiable anger. It’s much easier to hold a grudge. Yet when we make the choice and allow ourselves to put aside that anger and to forgive those who have harmed us, we actually do ourselves a great service. Making the conscious decision to let go of pain is the beginning of healing. But doing so is challenging because it is easy to become attached to seeing oneself as a victim and to hold onto resentment, even when the person who has harmed us is genuinely sorry. Forgiving someone is both one of the most difficult and one of the most spiritually rewarding choices we can make.            

While forgiveness is a noble act, expressing true forgiveness is empowering because it helps us to stop feeling like victims and to dispel our own suffering at having been wronged. Our levels of anger and hostility decreases while our capacity to love increases.We are better able to control our anger and we have an enhanced capacity to trust. We are freed from the control of past events, which can help us to stop repeating negative behaviour. Both our physical and mental health improves. Though many people feel forgiveness is something that must be asked for or earned by another, forgiveness is actually a gift you give to yourself…..  

Have a good day. Wishing you health, peace and empowerment.
Xxx ~J.W~ 🙏💙

 Copyright © 2020 Joannewellington.com

6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

6 SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Nobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being.

6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

Nobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being. In an abusive relationship your partner constantly makes you feel less than a normal person so that they can control you.

Abuse in a relationship is about control where your partner does all they can to control you using either physical and/or emotional abuse. Based on that definition you may find shades of abuse in most relationships when angry people say or do things that they may not mean but what sets them apart from abusive and unhealthy relationships is that here the abuse is infrequent while in abusive relationships the abuse is the normal state of things.

In an abusive and unhealthy relationship your normal everyday reality is a constant tearing down of who you are through verbal abuse or emotional manipulation and/or physical violence. So what are the red flags of an abusive and unhealthy relationship?

1. They controls what you do and what you think. In a very real sense they are master over you as they controls what you do, the people you see and what you feel most of the time. They do this using fear of specific consequences which they have trained you to dread.  Think of it like being on an invisible leash which your partner holds by instilling fear of certain consequences from them if you go or do what they have not sanctioned.

You are thus afraid of any new situation as you don’t know how they will react and you are also afraid of familiar situations since anything can set them off. Are you living in constant fear of upsetting your partner or them hitting you for some vague reason? Are you plagued by fear of what your partner will do and does this determine what you do or don’t do? Then this is a noticeable red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 2. They determines who your friends are. To keep you firmly under there control your partner will make sure that nobody else can have any strong influence on you as that may weaken their hold over you so they alienates you from family, friends and social settings that they feel may threaten or challenge their hold over you.

They drive a wedge between you and your family, they disparage your friends and they emotionally blackmail you to give up ‘other’ activities besides themselves so that they are your only family, friend and life activity. Does that describe you? Does your partner have a tight rein on who you see or don’t see, where you can go etc. so that without their express approval you fear visiting even members of your family? If this is your reality then this is another red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 3. They gets worse with time instead of better. You may have stayed hoping against hope that your partner would change when they saw how much you really loved them and that you were doing all that they asked of you (and even more) but they seem to be getting more controlling and more abusive. Peace and happiness just eludes you in this relationship and the best that you get is the calm before the storm that comes between the abusive episodes.

You have come to slowly realise that you can never seem to make them happy since they seems to need to keep you in constant emotional turmoil so as to keep their hold over you. Does this describe you and your partner? If it does then this is a red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. You need to realise that there is no possibility or hope of any lasting joy with your partner.

They cannot treat you well because their own demons do not allow them to do so and until they get long term professional help your only peace will be the calm in between the abusive episodes until the day that you and they are parted.

 4. Your needs are never considered. Since your relationship is by definition dysfunctional and one sided then your needs for love, intimacy, trust and security are either not met or they are distorted.

Love becomes their abuse since if they didn’t love you they wouldn’t abuse you and the more they abuse you the more they supposedly love you since only a person with deep feelings would abuse you so much. Intimacy is at their terms and it is geared at meeting their needs only and the fulfilment of yours is incidental.

Your only security is that they would protect you from others since you are their prey and like any other animal they are unwilling to share. If this describes your relationship then this is another red flag that you are certainly in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

If you would be honest with yourself, you would acknowledged to yourself that you are in this relationship to meet only your partner’s needs.

 5. You live in fear. A cloud of fear hangs over your head or is always somewhere within your vicinity. You live in a state of anxiety as you really don’t know what will set them off; all you know is that something will set them off sooner or later.

Sometimes the waiting for the abuse is almost as bad as the abuse itself since you know it’s on its way but you just don’t know from which direction it will come and the anxiety is almost crippling. If this describes your emotional state then this is a clear raised flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 6. You feel physically sick. All the emotional fretfulness and anxiety from the abuse is beginning to take its toil and you feel ill often. Your head hurts sometimes or your stomach or your back or some other part of your body. Every day there is a part of your body that is not functioning properly and you are also not sleeping properly. You feel bad about yourself and nothing about who you are gives you any joy. A red flag that the abusive relationship is beginning to have long term effects on you.

If these 6 red flag are a part of your relationship reality then know for sure that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship and you need to get out today. Don’t think about it, don’t imagine that things might change, don’t deceive yourself that this is love…just leave them today and never come back.  The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave since you get used to the abuse and before long it becomes normal for you and you begin to lose your sense of the wrongness of what they is doing to you.

Rosy Anderson – About the Author:
Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.

Beware of abusive personalities who try to isolate you!

Hi! I think every great idea or post starts with a warm welcome, but this time its a little different for me. Because when it come a little to close for comfort to your own heart it is a little different don’t you think?.. Its a case of “been there and done that”and now you have to watch it happen right in front of your eyes to close ones that you love dearly, and you can’t do a dam thing about it.

Only they can when they are ready!

If not…Then life has its way of forcing you back on to the right path one way or another or sometimes even out altogether” meaning not making it in this life at all!..

Emotionally abusive people are

Conditioned to make us feel that they are superior and that we don’t deserve them. They make us feel like we deserve to be treated the way we are and that we are lucky to be in a relationship with them. They are masters at manipulating the way we feel.

Emotionally abusive BEHAVIOUR

Is when something is said, implied, or done to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings on a consistent basis over and over again over an extended period of time. The day-to-day bickering, teasing, insulting or other negative behaviours do happen in ordinary relationships. However, a pattern of emotionally hurtful behaviour can eventually evolve into an emotionally abusive relationship. 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner makes you feel like you’re not good enough, calls you names or puts you down all the time, threatens or intimidates you, or you fear your partner leaving you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, recognise that you cannot change your partner and it is best to seek help and leave the relationship as soon as possible “you know now rather than later”.

Beware of

Abusive personalities who try to isolate you from family members and friends and dominate your life almost or completely.

These control freaks

Are smooth talkers. They are convincing and persuasive Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’s. They represent themselves one way publicly but behind closed doors ~they transform!!

If you manage to escape them,

They will beg and plead to get you back. They may even try to convince you that they will change or that they are sorry. It is a lie. They will never really change. It is simply a ploy to get you back in their icy grip.

being abused does make it much more likely that one or more psychological or medical illnesses will occur!!

look Life is just too short

Do not allow yourself to be abused mentally, emotionally, financially or physically to this point. Please these people are dangerous. The longer you stay with them, the harder it is to get away.

If they threaten to injure you…believe them. Run. Do not look back. Do not waste good, valuable, irreplaceable time trying to change them.

Use that energy to change yourself and put yourself in a different situation. Create an escape plan to get away…and GO! Cut off all communication and work on yourself for a while. Strengthen all aspects of your life. And if you have children PLEASE! do i need to say any more except click that link you just past!! ☝

Create some new relationships where you are loved, valued and treated with respect.

If you begin to notice the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, whether it’s you or someone you care about, seek professional help. Just because the relationship isn’t violent yet, doesn’t mean it won’t escalate and you should get a clear understanding of the situation from someone trained to help everyone stay safe.

You deserve a better life!! Create it!

Have a good week Wishing you health, peace and empowerment to always try your best.
Xxx ~J.W~ 🙏🏻💙

Copyright © 2020 joannewellington,com

Being Realistic is awesome’ I found a pot of gold.

she♥~”If you have someone who understands you, who is patient with you, who loves you genuinely, who cares about you, who respects you, who is proud of you, who doesn’t take a day without calling or texting you, who never fails to fix time for you, who fears to lose you. Please love that person. Don’t take his or her care & love for granted because such people are very rare to find these days. Don’t let such a person slip out of your hands over minor disagreements. If you are the one in wrong admit and ask for FORGIVENESS. Handle that person with delicacy. Be there for him or her. Do whatever it takes for both of you to last forever. Be open to that person. Don’t be so nagging to such a person. Be trustworthy, faithful and appreciative.~ ♥

~J W~