Are You In an Abusive Relationship?

Are You In an Abusive Relationship? There are many levels of abuse. When people think of abusive relationships they often associate them with some kind of physical abuse.

Are You In an Abusive Relationship?

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt


There are many levels of abuse. When people think of abusive relationships they often associate them with some kind of physical abuse. Although physical abuse is one of the worst forms of an abusive relationship, abuse does not have to by physical, it comes in many disguises.

The different types of abusive relationships range from emotional, verbal, mental, sexual and physical or any combination of these. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and you are trying to figure a way to get out, you need to proceed very carefully.

Some of the warning signs are:

* They blame you for everything, especially their anger or jealousy

* They are violent or they threaten you.

* They control where you go, who you see and when.

* They isolate you from all or most activities and friends.

* They have bouts of uncontrollable emotional outbreaks.

* They demean you, humiliate you, insult you, or embarrass you.

* They make you feel insignificant and scared.

* They force you to do things sexually.

* They make you feel terrible about yourself.

* You cause all the problems and they cause none of them.

* And on and on.

If you recognise any of these signs in your relationship you will do one of two things. You will either make excuses or rationalise these behaviours or, you will gather your wits about yourself and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and get out.

Many victims of abuse are already dealing with low self-esteem and the abuser preys on this weakness to further belittle the victim so they won’t have the courage or strength to go anywhere.

It’s vital that you acknowledge that you are being abused before you can take the necessary steps to help yourself. If you are trying to convince yourself that “it doesn’t happen that often” or “he really didn’t mean it,” you are in for a rude awakening not to mention a lifetime of heartache and pain.

Just because the abuse may be cyclical doesn’t mean that you aren’t being abused and most times it will only escalate in the future to something you may not be able to handle.

A critical factor in protecting yourself is: the sooner you leave an abuser the better off you will be, because the longer you hang in there the more difficult and more dangerous the situation can become.

If you are wondering if you are in an abusive relationship all of the signs are there staring you in the face, all you have to do is open your eyes and begin to tell yourself the truth.

If you choose to ignore the reality of the situation you are in be prepared to pay the consequences of living a life of misery. You will be a prisoner in this relationship.

It pains me to even touch upon this next segment but, if you are in an abusive relationship and you are exposing children to this kind of a life, you too are an abuser!

It is your responsibility to protect and nurture your children. By exposing them to this kind of upbringing is not only detrimental to their well being, it totally skews their perception of how to have a healthy, loving relationship.

As they grow up you will be teaching them exactly how to be an abuser or how to be abused!

So, even if you are in the mental trap of believing you deserve this kind of behaviour; your children certainly don’t!

Begin today and decide whether you are going to remain a victim in an abusive relationship or take the steps to free yourself to live the kind of life you really desire.

You have the power within you to do the thing you think you can’t.

Side note: If you are in a precarious situation and need to secretly devise a plan to leave. Call a Domestic Abuse Helpline.


Susan Russo – About the Author:

Are you in an abusive relationship? Susan Russo has written one of the top breakup/divorce books on the market. Her direct approach is a wake up call for anyone who feels paralysed in finding a way out. How would you like to move beyond the pain and start to feel like a human again?

Related Articles

Spotting the Signs of Emotional Abuse (everydayhealth.com)

6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

6 SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Nobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being.

6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

Nobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being. In an abusive relationship your partner constantly makes you feel less than a normal person so that they can control you.

Abuse in a relationship is about control where your partner does all they can to control you using either physical and/or emotional abuse. Based on that definition you may find shades of abuse in most relationships when angry people say or do things that they may not mean but what sets them apart from abusive and unhealthy relationships is that here the abuse is infrequent while in abusive relationships the abuse is the normal state of things.

In an abusive and unhealthy relationship your normal everyday reality is a constant tearing down of who you are through verbal abuse or emotional manipulation and/or physical violence. So what are the red flags of an abusive and unhealthy relationship?

1. They controls what you do and what you think. In a very real sense they are master over you as they controls what you do, the people you see and what you feel most of the time. They do this using fear of specific consequences which they have trained you to dread.  Think of it like being on an invisible leash which your partner holds by instilling fear of certain consequences from them if you go or do what they have not sanctioned.

You are thus afraid of any new situation as you don’t know how they will react and you are also afraid of familiar situations since anything can set them off. Are you living in constant fear of upsetting your partner or them hitting you for some vague reason? Are you plagued by fear of what your partner will do and does this determine what you do or don’t do? Then this is a noticeable red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 2. They determines who your friends are. To keep you firmly under there control your partner will make sure that nobody else can have any strong influence on you as that may weaken their hold over you so they alienates you from family, friends and social settings that they feel may threaten or challenge their hold over you.

They drive a wedge between you and your family, they disparage your friends and they emotionally blackmail you to give up ‘other’ activities besides themselves so that they are your only family, friend and life activity. Does that describe you? Does your partner have a tight rein on who you see or don’t see, where you can go etc. so that without their express approval you fear visiting even members of your family? If this is your reality then this is another red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 3. They gets worse with time instead of better. You may have stayed hoping against hope that your partner would change when they saw how much you really loved them and that you were doing all that they asked of you (and even more) but they seem to be getting more controlling and more abusive. Peace and happiness just eludes you in this relationship and the best that you get is the calm before the storm that comes between the abusive episodes.

You have come to slowly realise that you can never seem to make them happy since they seems to need to keep you in constant emotional turmoil so as to keep their hold over you. Does this describe you and your partner? If it does then this is a red flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. You need to realise that there is no possibility or hope of any lasting joy with your partner.

They cannot treat you well because their own demons do not allow them to do so and until they get long term professional help your only peace will be the calm in between the abusive episodes until the day that you and they are parted.

 4. Your needs are never considered. Since your relationship is by definition dysfunctional and one sided then your needs for love, intimacy, trust and security are either not met or they are distorted.

Love becomes their abuse since if they didn’t love you they wouldn’t abuse you and the more they abuse you the more they supposedly love you since only a person with deep feelings would abuse you so much. Intimacy is at their terms and it is geared at meeting their needs only and the fulfilment of yours is incidental.

Your only security is that they would protect you from others since you are their prey and like any other animal they are unwilling to share. If this describes your relationship then this is another red flag that you are certainly in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

If you would be honest with yourself, you would acknowledged to yourself that you are in this relationship to meet only your partner’s needs.

 5. You live in fear. A cloud of fear hangs over your head or is always somewhere within your vicinity. You live in a state of anxiety as you really don’t know what will set them off; all you know is that something will set them off sooner or later.

Sometimes the waiting for the abuse is almost as bad as the abuse itself since you know it’s on its way but you just don’t know from which direction it will come and the anxiety is almost crippling. If this describes your emotional state then this is a clear raised flag that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

 6. You feel physically sick. All the emotional fretfulness and anxiety from the abuse is beginning to take its toil and you feel ill often. Your head hurts sometimes or your stomach or your back or some other part of your body. Every day there is a part of your body that is not functioning properly and you are also not sleeping properly. You feel bad about yourself and nothing about who you are gives you any joy. A red flag that the abusive relationship is beginning to have long term effects on you.

If these 6 red flag are a part of your relationship reality then know for sure that you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship and you need to get out today. Don’t think about it, don’t imagine that things might change, don’t deceive yourself that this is love…just leave them today and never come back.  The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave since you get used to the abuse and before long it becomes normal for you and you begin to lose your sense of the wrongness of what they is doing to you.

Rosy Anderson – About the Author:
Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.

How to deal with your break up after many years “appropriately!!!”

The whole point of a relationship is to be happy.

Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years it could be that you just grew apart that you just don’t have the same interests anymore.

Money careers and egos are often behind the most break up of a marriage but there are  other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t. The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart.

Respect Some couples, begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after Work, and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months or years of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other and without respect a relationship cannot run as it should.

Jealousy Another reason that many marriages break up. Once Married many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous and it just simply cannot work without trust no matter how hard you try.

Love. When people fall in love, they do so for a number of reasons. But  For some people it is because they are lonely, and they have been longing to meet someone that they can talk to and spend time with at an intimate level. Though they might have friends, they feel their life is incomplete until they meet that someone. And once they meet that someone, they discover that they really didn’t need that person. They realize that they can stand up on their own. What they were looking for, they already had. They just never realized that. Thus they fell in love for the wrong reason and once that reason is fulfilled, they fall out of love.

But during this period a lot can happen like getting marred and having children together which changes everything altogether and even if you fall out of love when you have children many people do go on and chose to live a lie for the  sake of the children’s so much time in ones life is use on trying to build on this route.. when two people  have children together anyway it creates a type close to unconditional  caring love because you created another human being between you that will be forever shared ” but this is still much different from being in love” so no matter what happens you can still love each other and care a lot. So for the one that has lived the lie and for them to finely stand up and call it a day, which will happen eventually that person is probably in much more pain than you are for having to live the lie and go without true love for the one they cared about for so long.   this is the most hardest part of a break up in most marriages or long term relationships that person that has left you gave there life and time to you as much as you did them so to think that it’s just you suffering is a loud of self blinding ego ruling you..

After the relationship ends, how can you behave in a way that says you respect yourself and the situation? It’s hard because just ending a relationship can make you feel you’ve failed somehow. Still, it’s important that you respect yourself as a person and carry on.

First off for your children You and your x-mate will always be their parents. Your children need to know that they are not losing the love and care of either parent. They need to know that neither of you is divorcing your children. Reassure them that, although you and your spouse are no longer together, they will always belong to both of you.

Gather your support. Now is the time you need your friends and family, more than ever. Don’t try to go it alone but also remember your x-mate  also need support as you do, Trying to take and turn their family against them to support yourself  is  serious mental, and emotional abuse towards  your x-mate the other parent of your children, don’t forget both parents are needed in their life as are the rest of their family on both sides.. what kind of parent would do this to there children..but some people do this without thinking straight this really is between yourselves and you children NOT NO ONE ELSE.

Warnings

      • Don’t release your bad feelings on your ex mate physically. This type of rash action can have serious and lingering consequences.
      • Don’t ever use your children to fuel for your anger this is between you and your ex the children’s other parent why should your child be without one or the other..children’s success in adjusting to separation and divorce depends very much on the success of their parents’ adjustment. If you are coping well, they will cope well too. Your biggest tasks are to show that you have good coping skills and to encourage your children to keep on communicating with you both unless in cases of serious physical, mental, and emotional child abuse then it would be different.
      • To share your feelings.. Slagging off you x-mate and what your going through in front of a big audience like face book for instance is also disrespecting yourself as well as your x mate and your children. This type of behaviour is the same again mental, and emotional abuse.. once again. It’s not no ones fault when two mates or one of you fall out of love it happens it’s a part of life some people grow and some don’t. Using your ex partners family and friends that you shard together as your defence against them can have serious consequences also on them’ your x and your children this  is serious mental, and emotional abuse.
      • Don’t do anything dangerous or harmful to yourself. The pain, anguish, and anger you feel will pass – hard as it may seem to believe at the moment. Give yourself some time to feel better. Remember it’s like a broken bone: it hurts something awful at the beginning, but in time it is already beginning to heal and feel better.
      • Most of all doing the grown up thing is to accept the relationship is clearly not working and is over Don’t beg. your  mate who broke up with you. they already made up there mind. No matter how shocked, panicked, and in pain you are, don’t beg them for another chance or blackmail them with your children. It’s very hard to do, but to let this end leaving you with some shred of dignity, just say to them “I’m so sad about this, but if that’s your decision, I have no choice but to accept it,” is much more dignified than screaming,”No, don’t leave me! I’ll do anything you want me to!!” Let them leave and then pitch your hysterical fit and just understand they are hurting as much as you are.

In life as you go on you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet People come into your life to teach you things and learn from you don’t be disheartened, let down or upset if they need walk away.. Why ? because they were only meant to show you something, whether its patience, tolerance, humility, some are only there to parent your children …!Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, empathy or maybe just to be better than them; let them go with gladness in your heart because it is all part of their journey as well as yours, they obviously have further to walk than you. last of all some will bring out the best in you and some just wont so move on its needed..!
Wish them luck as you wave them goodbye… its all part of life evolving.

 All I can say is god bless you all and Please take care xxx

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved

Women, Abuse, and Why They Stay

I am proud of my parents because they gave me a great childhood! It was not  perfect-perfect, but I had a VERY happy time with lots of love and affection  from both of my parents and my grandma. Now that I am an adult I understand that  I got very lucky, because most people don’t have it for one reason or  another.

abused-womanOnce I had a conversation with a very old friend (I’ve known her since I was  five). We talked about the good old times, and I realized that one of my  childhood memories is connected to an instance of abuse in families. Our family  used to live in the apartment building. One of our neighbors was an artist. The  neighbors all said he was very talented and recognized by the society.

However, that guy was an alcoholic and hit his wife all the time. I remember  that I could hear his yelling and his wife screaming! It was so odd to me at the  time. I remember when my parents and other neighbors tried to talk to him many times. For a few weeks we had a quiet  existence but it never last for long. Women in the neighborhood talked to his  wife. They were trying to convince her to make a decision, to call to the police  or to leave him. But she always refused. She said she had three sons, she didn’t  have a job and even if she did she couldn’t support three boys by herself. So,  her choice was to stay with this terrible person!

Women stay in abusive relationships not only in the situations when they have  nowhere to go or no money to survive. Very often they stay with abusive men  because they think that the guy “loves” them and they “love” him. This is hard  to believe for a lot of people but unfortunately it is what they truly  think!

Once, my girlfriend’s parents picked her up at the hospital because the “love of her life” hit her!  When I asked her why she was still with the guy, she said that he was an  amazing, intelligent, funny person, but sometimes he cannot control his temper.  She added: “When he is in a good mood he  can make me very happy. But nobody is perfect”.

I was speechless! “Nobody is perfect!?” He could kill her!

It proved that most of these decisions people make is because of the money  issues or fear of something. There are different fears: fear of being alone,  fear that nobody will like you, and fear of not having children. Fear, fear,  fear. We cannot be prisoners of fear and let other people tell us what to  do!

I was thinking about abuse a lot. Why do women let themselves be in this  situation? I am not only talking about  physical abuse. I also mean emotional abuse. I talked with my mom about my  friend. My mom said that some women couldn’t stand up for themselves and be  strong enough to oppose the abuse. Probably those women were abused when they  were children, got used to it and brought the terrible relationship pattern into  their adulthood.

For some people childhood is the happiest time of their life – for others it  is something you have to try to deal with forever. I would like to give some  parenting advice to parents who have daughters. My father was always very gentle  and affectionate to me when I was a child, and it gave me a great deal of  confidence in life. Always respect your child. Be aware that you are responsible  for your daughter’s future, and that you want to be the kind of parent that sets  a good relationship example!

Karina  Lawrence –    About the Author:

Karina Lawrence is a full-time mom and an active participant in various moms’ blogs and other mom online community sites. She loves discussing on daily tit  bits of her parenting experience  and likes to share her ideas with other moms.

 

Emotional Abuse: The abuse no one ever told you about

I find this a very important topic to have a lot more discussion about.   Although we all are raised, and hear all around us, that it is wrong for men to  hit and that is abusive, the topic of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse seems  to be often over looked.  The damage done emotionally can last even longer  than physical abuse, maybe even a life time.

Emotional-AbuseWe always wonder why a woman would tolerate a physically abusive man.   It seems crazy to us…someone hits you – you leave – pretty simple.  What  people commonly don’t know is that physical abusers start as emotional  abusers.  By the time a man becomes physically abusive, he’s torn the woman  down emotionally so bad or for so long, she’s not sure which way is up.  I  know most women think they can spot this guy without any more information and  this goes into the “it would never happen to me” category.  All I can tell  you is I have an engineering degree, held good jobs, always had healthy self esteem, know better than to let a man  treat me bad, and I still woke up one day to find myself in an abusive  situation.

Emotional abuse can be much more complex and devious than just tearing you  down, telling you that you aren’t attractive, stupid, etc.  I’d like to  share a short story with you to better explain how the manipulative emotional  abuser works his ways.

My boyfriend at the time and I planned a long weekend vacation.  I was really excited about going on  vacation with just him and myself.  The day we were set to leave I was  sitting in my boyfriend’s house, with his roommate, waiting on him to get home  so his roommate could drive us to the airport.  I noticed his roommate had  his bags packed and asked where he was going for the weekend.  He looked at  me like I had two heads and said, “I’m going with you guys.” I was shocked,  hurt, and mad my boyfriend hadn’t talked to me about his roommate coming with  us.  I wouldn’t have bought plane tickets if I had known it was a “group” trip.  When my boyfriend got home I pulled him off to the side and calmly  asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me.  He told me “We discussed it  last Wednesday.  Don’t you remember?  You were sitting right there, he  was sitting here, and I was sitting over there and we all agreed.”  I was  really upset because I still didn’t like the situation and was no longer excited  about the trip, but what was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember the  conversation? It must have been my bad memory that my ex sometimes picked on me  about.  No matter how upset or hurt I was, I only had myself to  blame.  I must have agreed and not remembered.

It wasn’t even until I left him that I realized that conversation with all  three of us never happened and he was just messing with my mind.  It was  always like that.  “I already gave you directions, don’t you  remember?”  “We already talked about this, don’t you remember?”  “I  told you to bring xyz!”  I felt dumber and dumber and dumber in that  relationship.  I thought I had a horrible memory, and sometimes I  can be a little forgetful so I bought right into it.  He made me dependent  because I surely couldn’t depend on myself with how absent minded I had  become!  The entire time I was with him I never questioned it.  He  always put so many details around the lie it never occurred to me that I  couldn’t trust the words of someone telling me that they loved me.  I  couldn’t imagine lying like that and thought abuse was easier to spot, like just  telling someone “you are an idiot”, instead of slowly convincing them that they  were stupid in such a manipulative way.

Your biggest defense against manipulative people and emotional  abusers is to trust yourself no matter what the situation.  Had I  trusted myself and trusted the facts in my head, rather than what he was telling  me was fact, we would have dated around three months instead of ending up  married.  Had I been educated on how emotional abuse really works, I never  would have ended up in that scary situation.

The list below is signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.   It’s a good list to keep in the back of your head for friends, family, or  children too so you can quickly recognize red flags.  This list has been  taken from www.drirene.com:  If you  answer “yes” to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look.

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?

disrespect  you?

ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of  humor?

ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

withhold approval, appreciation or  affection?

give you the silent  treatment?

walk away without answering  you?

criticize you, call you names, yell at  you?

humiliate you privately or in  public?

roll his or her eyes when you  talk?

give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or  family?

make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel  well?

seem to make sure that what you really  want is exactly what you won’t get?

tell you you are too  sensitive?

hurt you especially when you are  down?

seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts  you?

have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent  reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against  you?

try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear  your clothes?

complain about how badly you treat him or  her?

threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you  out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

ever left you stranded?

ever threaten to hurt you or your  family?

ever hit or pushed you, even  “accidentally”?

seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each  other?

abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?

compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you  insecure?

promise to never do something hurtful  again?

harass you about imagined  affairs?

manipulate you with lies and  contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?

drive like a  road-rage junkie?

act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those  behaviors?

question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your  competence?

interrupt you; hear but not really  listen?

make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse  then?

incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?

try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”

frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of  misunderstanding?

treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand  regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to  you:

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say  something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your  relationship.

You hope things will change…especially through your love and  understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of  reality.   

You doubt your own  judgment.

You doubt your  abilities.

You feel vulnerable and  insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Another great resource is the bookThe Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to  Respond by Patricia Evans.  It is often quoted as the top book on emotional abuse  and may be helpful for you or someone you know needing to educate his or herself  on emotional abuse.

Remember that abusers are often well liked, intelligent, well respected  people and only mistreating their partners while alone.  If you have  someone in your life, who is in a relationship, and seems to be cutting off  contact with you and other friends, have a heart to heart if you are close  enough.  I know I may not have listened right away, but if I had people I  loved telling me “It’s not okay, ever, that he did this or that.” or “You  deserve a man that acts like this or does that.” or even just shown me that  list, I might have woken up sooner rather than later.

Never forget that your life is your choice.  Only you get to decide what  you will and will not tolerate.  Click  here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep  going towards the life you deserve.  Please forward this information to all  the women you care about.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Molly  Pennington –    About the Author:

Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards  something better.I am the owner of Hear my Heels.  Hear my Heels creates  products for anyone who has found or looking to find the strength to go after  everything they deserve in life. We donate 20% of our profits to domestic abuse  charities.  No man, woman, or child deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser  and it is our mission to remind everyone of their value, strength, and self  worth.